Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
