The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
