so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
