The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize