I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
