When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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