I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
