why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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