True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i think my cat just said my name.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
