You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
