I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
