Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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