dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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