Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize