He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
