I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
