I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
