Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
