Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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