remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So vagazzling was a success
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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