bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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