can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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