im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
