my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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