Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
