highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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