Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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