I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
