Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
