his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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