Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
