The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize