6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
