omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Randomize
