You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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