just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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