How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
