I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
