420 ftw
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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