I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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