i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
bring money and cleavage
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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