I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
