y did u give ur computer a hand job?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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