Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
