Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
