Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
