whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
