Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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