Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize