Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize