I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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