all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
