Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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