Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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