Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
