My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
